Having to make choices is hard. It is hard to put yourself in a situation where you risk making the wrong choice. It is becoming clear to me, that parenting has this amazing knack for putting us in that position over and over again. Just when we think we have it sorted out, it is time to make yet another huge life choice impacting the most innocent and delicate of creatures.
I think that is why we are so determined to nail down "what is right" and proselytize our choice as the right way. Because, if there is no true right or wrong, if it is less about black and white, then it must be shades of gray. and if it is shades of gray, then we can never be sure we made the perfect choice. When options are so fluid and so individual, we cannot firmly grasp our choices like a life rope carrying us through each day. How scary!
I grapple lately with that all too common fear/guilt/anxiety: does being a working mom make me less of a mom? Do I love my kids less because I enjoy work? Do my kids mistake teachers for their mom? Will they grow up with an existential feeing of abandonment or deem themselves unloved because they go to school 35 hours a week?
What a horrible way to feel, and it emits a fear that grips around the heart, causing my pulse to race, my palms to sweat, making me want to run and grab them from their school, quit my job, and spend each day lovingly stroking their heads, teaching them about love and life.But then reality creeps into the picture. and a little voice says that maybe I won't just sit and stroke their heads or be their most awesome teacher. Maybe I will be tempted to focus on housework or bills. and how will they have the great health insurance that I have for them now, how will I continue to contribute to a 401K which I will say is for my retirement, but I will instead use to pay for their college, or the down payment on their house, or that first car? and what about the vision that was forming of me having a job that I love, at a place that I love, in a town that I love, slowly getting more involved and setting an example for work pride and civic involvement?
On the other hand, they are sweet babes who do not yet understand any of that crap and just want to sit with mommy, and it hurts not to give that to them.
Seems there will always be a little voice telling us what they other side looks like, and wondering if it would be better. Part of me thinks that in the end, as long as the time you have with your little ones is quality time and nurturing time, they will grow up to be amazing. And someday they will grapple with the same questions of right and wrong, and struggle the same feelings of inadequacies as you are. So maybe we should practice saying to ourselves what we might say to them when that time comes. And remember, it is not black and white. Life is just not that easy.
