Be Thankful, Be Smart, Be Strong, Be Family First

So here we all are, having survived Thanksgiving hopefully mostly intact, and we are headed straight into the upcoming holidays, for some, it will be Hanukkah, or Kwanza, Bodi Day, or Winter Solstice for us it is Christmas.

 Through the decades, many celebratory traditions have emerged including the mystifying tradition of bringing toddlers into museum like or trinket shop like homes and running around behind them frantically saying no, no, no,(!) While apologizing the whole time. Sounds super fun!

 

I was asked yesterday if we were going to put up a Christmas tree this year.  I am still somewhat undecided, but I lean towards no, because we do have a 14 month old.  I likened it to someone putting a delicious, cool IPA on the table next to me, and then slapping my hand every time I try to take a sip. Not cool man...

While some folks may make themselves feel righteous by stating "well they have to learn" or “they have to exercise control”,  that really does not take the parents into consideration at all.  I mean, they packed up their whole family, and dragged them and their five pounds of gear to your house, so that they can spend the entire visit in a frenzy, spending no actual time with anyone, feeling frustrated and inadequate, and that's before we get to the dreaded sit down meal. At that point we are just sneaking wine in the corner or in the bathroom, shoving some amount of food in our mouths, and loudly whispering “this isn't working, when can we go” to our spouse ? Tones quickly get more frantic and more frustrated with the toddlers, because of course if they could just do it right, we would not be in this disaster.

 

Well, guess what? They can't, so you have to change the game.  Read any Neuroscience studies on this topic, and they will tell you about the VERY strong primal sections of the brain that are in full force long before the frontal lobes decide to catch up. Infants and toddlers react in fight or flight, they live in the moment in instant gratification, and they don't care if you are being embarrassed in front of Great Aunt Selma because "in her day children were seen and not heard, had jobs by age ten, slept by themselves and ate sandwiches on day one…something something..something..blah..”.

 

What kids do care about, is feeling like they made you sad, or feeling sad themselves. It is our job to protect them from that kind of hyped up bullshit, and traditions that stifle and shame young families causing resentment, hurt feelings, or for some, they just shut down through the holiday because they cannot deal, or don’t want to. 

Join me this year in not starting those kinds of traditions. Set boundaries and expectations early with those who invite you over, and if they cannot take steps to ensure a nice visit, then kindly decline and invite them to your home instead.  We teach people how to treat us, and how to set expectations with us, so don’t play into that stuff this year!

Be happy, be free, be relieved. Remember, it is your holiday too, not just Aunt Selma's.  Eat simply, smile often and come January, it will not matter how pretty your home was, how much you cooked, or how calmly the kids tried to sit.  What will matter is love, laughter, and not creating trauma for them or for you, when the holidays come back around. Break the cycle, create new. There is far too much of “everything” going on in the world right now, to be stressing about silly things like toddler behavior.

Fear creeps in

with spindly fingers and soulless eyes

grasping at us when we are most vulnerable

Taking common stresses

and twisting them into doomsday predictions

The antithesis of fear is love

love lives in the light

carrying us over rocky peaks on strong shoulders with warm hands

and a glimmer in its eye

fear cannot live in the light

it hides in the shadows like a withered soul from Ursula's garden

fear cannot carry you over rocky peaks

it can only pull you downward when you stumble unexpectedly

do not fall victim to fear

simply step over its shrunken head on your way to the light

crushing it deftly under your boot

as you plod intentionally up the mountain

choosing light

choosing love

choosing you

Video Blog link!

Here is a link to my video blog, the Imperfect Perfectionist Mom, which I hope to update more frequently!

Why can't I have my childcare and career too?

When my husband and I decided to have babies, we factored in many things. But we never imagined that we would have a hard time been a two parent working household. Why would we? We both have good jobs that pay well, and other people do it right??

What we found out very quickly is that working and paying for childcare is not that easy! With two kids enrolled, we are paying more than I bring in, and watching other financial obligations slip as we prioritize the budget to ensure rent, child care, car payments, and groceries are covered. It is easy to think that the solution is me staying home, but the couple hundred bucks we

 

would net per month, is not really a balance for letting go of health insurance, dental insurance, and 401K.

Not to mention, I love my job. My job is exciting, meaningful, and well paying. My boss is a family first guy, and has always been nothing but flexible and compassionate.

My husband likes his job too. Okay, maybe it does not really take advantage of his PhD in Computational Neuroscience. It has been tough to find a job  in this area that we love that would truly fit that bill. That said, the job he has is well paying, and has growth potential.

So what is the problem? if our salaries are not the issue, and we are certainly not overpaying the teachers that care for our boys, (break it down by day and by hour, and really, it is not much) then what is? How does this work? How can a family of four with two working parents stay afloat? Is it the Government's problem to solve? probably not, though at some point any of us who feel like we are drowning would likely be grateful for any help... Let's Grow Kids has been working to figure out the issue as well, hopefully someone can do so soon! 

The truth is, I don't know where the fracture is that makes it hard or for some of us, and impossible for some, to maintain a middle class family structure. But I am not ready to give up on what feels right to me. I want to work, even when I miss my boys terribly. I want to work, and I want to be able to pay my bills with the money I make at work, and I want to be able to pay those bills and still be able to treat my boys, because that is why we have pushed so hard to get where we are! For financial comfort, and stability, which of course is not everything, but it is something, and I am not sure it is the American dream to have to choose between the work you love, and paying for childcare. Something is not quite right with this picture.

Choices

Having to make choices is hard.  It is hard to put yourself in a situation where you risk making the wrong choice.  It is becoming clear to me, that parenting has this amazing knack for putting us in that position over and over again. Just when we think we have it sorted out, it is time to make yet another huge life choice impacting the most innocent and delicate of creatures.

I think that is why we are so determined to nail down "what is right" and proselytize our choice as the right way. Because, if there is no true right or wrong, if it is less about black and white, then it must be shades of gray. and if it is shades of gray, then we can never be sure we made the perfect choice. When options are so fluid and so individual, we cannot firmly grasp our choices like a life rope carrying us through each day.  How scary!

I grapple lately with that all too common fear/guilt/anxiety: does being a working mom make me less of a mom?  Do I love my kids less because I enjoy work? Do my kids mistake teachers for their mom? Will they grow up with an existential feeing of abandonment or deem themselves unloved because they go to school 35 hours a week? 

What a horrible way to feel, and it emits a fear that grips around the heart, causing my pulse to race, my palms to sweat, making me want to run and grab them from their school, quit my job, and spend each day lovingly stroking their heads, teaching them about love and life.

But then reality creeps into the picture. and a little voice says that maybe I won't just sit and stroke their heads or be their most awesome teacher.  Maybe I will be tempted to focus on housework or bills. and how will they have the great health insurance that I have for them now, how will I continue to contribute to a 401K which I will say is for my retirement, but I will instead use to pay for their college, or the down payment on their house, or that first car? and what about the vision that was forming of me having a job that I love, at a place that I love, in a town that I love, slowly getting more involved and setting an example for work pride and civic involvement?

On the other hand, they are sweet babes who do not yet understand any of that crap and just want to sit with mommy, and it hurts not to give that to them.

Seems there will always be a little voice telling us what they other side looks like, and wondering if it would be better.  Part of me thinks that in the end, as long as the time you have with your little ones is quality time and nurturing time, they will grow up to be amazing. And someday they will grapple with the same questions of right and wrong, and struggle the same feelings of inadequacies as you are. So maybe we should practice saying to ourselves what we might say to them when that time comes. And remember, it is not black and white.  Life is just not that easy.