Be Thankful, Be Smart, Be Strong, Be Family First

So here we all are, having survived Thanksgiving hopefully mostly intact, and we are headed straight into the upcoming holidays, for some, it will be Hanukkah, or Kwanza, Bodi Day, or Winter Solstice for us it is Christmas.

 Through the decades, many celebratory traditions have emerged including the mystifying tradition of bringing toddlers into museum like or trinket shop like homes and running around behind them frantically saying no, no, no,(!) While apologizing the whole time. Sounds super fun!

 

I was asked yesterday if we were going to put up a Christmas tree this year.  I am still somewhat undecided, but I lean towards no, because we do have a 14 month old.  I likened it to someone putting a delicious, cool IPA on the table next to me, and then slapping my hand every time I try to take a sip. Not cool man...

While some folks may make themselves feel righteous by stating "well they have to learn" or “they have to exercise control”,  that really does not take the parents into consideration at all.  I mean, they packed up their whole family, and dragged them and their five pounds of gear to your house, so that they can spend the entire visit in a frenzy, spending no actual time with anyone, feeling frustrated and inadequate, and that's before we get to the dreaded sit down meal. At that point we are just sneaking wine in the corner or in the bathroom, shoving some amount of food in our mouths, and loudly whispering “this isn't working, when can we go” to our spouse ? Tones quickly get more frantic and more frustrated with the toddlers, because of course if they could just do it right, we would not be in this disaster.

 

Well, guess what? They can't, so you have to change the game.  Read any Neuroscience studies on this topic, and they will tell you about the VERY strong primal sections of the brain that are in full force long before the frontal lobes decide to catch up. Infants and toddlers react in fight or flight, they live in the moment in instant gratification, and they don't care if you are being embarrassed in front of Great Aunt Selma because "in her day children were seen and not heard, had jobs by age ten, slept by themselves and ate sandwiches on day one…something something..something..blah..”.

 

What kids do care about, is feeling like they made you sad, or feeling sad themselves. It is our job to protect them from that kind of hyped up bullshit, and traditions that stifle and shame young families causing resentment, hurt feelings, or for some, they just shut down through the holiday because they cannot deal, or don’t want to. 

Join me this year in not starting those kinds of traditions. Set boundaries and expectations early with those who invite you over, and if they cannot take steps to ensure a nice visit, then kindly decline and invite them to your home instead.  We teach people how to treat us, and how to set expectations with us, so don’t play into that stuff this year!

Be happy, be free, be relieved. Remember, it is your holiday too, not just Aunt Selma's.  Eat simply, smile often and come January, it will not matter how pretty your home was, how much you cooked, or how calmly the kids tried to sit.  What will matter is love, laughter, and not creating trauma for them or for you, when the holidays come back around. Break the cycle, create new. There is far too much of “everything” going on in the world right now, to be stressing about silly things like toddler behavior.

Fear creeps in

with spindly fingers and soulless eyes

grasping at us when we are most vulnerable

Taking common stresses

and twisting them into doomsday predictions

The antithesis of fear is love

love lives in the light

carrying us over rocky peaks on strong shoulders with warm hands

and a glimmer in its eye

fear cannot live in the light

it hides in the shadows like a withered soul from Ursula's garden

fear cannot carry you over rocky peaks

it can only pull you downward when you stumble unexpectedly

do not fall victim to fear

simply step over its shrunken head on your way to the light

crushing it deftly under your boot

as you plod intentionally up the mountain

choosing light

choosing love

choosing you