Parenting as an abuse survivor, has been for me, an
exhausting trek up the side of a mountain that I had kind of forgotten was
there. No time to prep or dress correctly for the hike. No time to build
stamina or strength before embarking on the task. It is truly a by the seat of
my pants, "you wore the wrong shoes for this" kind of journey. Only now as a parent do I realize how many safetys
and checks and balances I had on myself previously. I worked hard but always
took time to rejuvenate. I used art as an outlet for anxiety. In between I kept
myself far too busy to ever think about what might be going on inside of me
emotionally.
Fast forward four years and I am completely sleep deprived, frazzled,
pulled in too many directions. My financial anxiety could paralyze a horse, and
somehow I am supposed to be loving, kind, patient and nurturing to two energetic,
smart, and sensitive little boys.
It is amazing to me how the human brain works. How intelligent
people can, under duress, have thoughts that are so far from intelligent!
Thankfully I recognize them most of the time, before I say stupid hurtful phrases
like "why do you always...<insert thing they always do but you
shouldn't say that about here>" and "you makes me feel..<insert
valid feeling that you have but they should not have to feel like they are
responsible for here>". Or the hardest for me "if you don't
< > then I will...<insert
random threat that touches their foundation of security and trust
here>" But not all of the time, and the guilt that comes after a slip
is horrendous.
The best I can say for myself is that I am on a very complex
jobsite with a toolbox that I thought I had carefully curated, but really it is full of a
bunch of rusted and useless tools at the bottom. Somehow when I am the most
stressed and the most tired, those are the tools that come to the top of the
box. and it is exhausting to stop and dig for the right one, once it has been
buried.
What is working now is simplifying. Keep the family bubble
small. Limit TV. Minimize alcohol. Cut out caffeine. Get outside, lots. Have a
limited toy selection around. Routine is king.
All this is done in an effort to conserve energy and stay grounded both
us adults and the kids. Certainly working with
Waldorf has helped immensely, and we take full advantage of their rhythms, natural media aversion, simple
toys, lots of outside time, and community oriented school style. Sometimes
though I look at the calm parents around me, and calm teachers and wonder where
they get this never ending well of calm and patience? Can I even do that? I am
by nature a pretty outgoing and impassioned person, so calm usually only comes
around when I am sick! The goal though, is to try. Try because they are worth
it. Because I am worth it. And I don’t want to be the mom that no one can
please, or the mom that is always too busy or too frazzled to sit and read or
build. For me the motto has to be “do
what is uncomfortable, because what feels comfortable is probably not quite
right”. In the meantime, I am honest
with my kids. “ I was feeling angry, and feeling angry is ok, but yelling is
not ok, and I am sorry…" and truly I AM sorry...
