Embracing the Darkness

Okay not the darkness of the soul, but rather the darkness of the season. Our childcare newsletter said it best when describing the preschool puppet show and how Mother Earth calls her seed, plant, and animal babies home. So too, we call our babies home, deep into our living room with lights low to cuddle and restore.  Pulling tighter our already close bubble, we have further limited our weekend excursions, opting to stay home and learn how to be together throughout the day, rather than trying to fill the time with the next adventure. trips to the beach or the fair have been replaced with quiet at home days or hikes in the woods at BEEC. Bedtimes have shifted back from 8:00-8:30 to 7:00-7:30. Mornings come earlier as a result, and we use that time of fresh energy for reading stories building projects, and puppet shows. Evenings have low lighting and lots of snuggles.

 

Using this time to further get to know each other as a family and as individuals has been quite a blessing, and we selfishly bask in the warmth of our tiny bubble, with little desire for further interaction or interruption. We will hold this space for quiet during the weeks before the holidays begin, keeping it as a space to always retreat to, even as the demands of the upcoming months attempt to approach our door.

Still working on that toolbox

Parenting as an abuse survivor, has been for me, an exhausting trek up the side of a mountain that I had kind of forgotten was there. No time to prep or dress correctly for the hike. No time to build stamina or strength before embarking on the task. It is truly a by the seat of my pants, "you wore the wrong shoes for this" kind of journey.  Only now as a parent do I realize how many safetys and checks and balances I had on myself previously. I worked hard but always took time to rejuvenate. I used art as an outlet for anxiety. In between I kept myself far too busy to ever think about what might be going on inside of me emotionally.

Fast forward four years and I am completely sleep deprived, frazzled, pulled in too many directions. My financial anxiety could paralyze a horse, and somehow I am supposed to be loving, kind, patient and nurturing to two energetic, smart, and sensitive little boys.

 It is amazing to me how the human brain works. How intelligent people can, under duress, have thoughts that are so far from intelligent! Thankfully I recognize them most of the time, before I say stupid hurtful phrases like "why do you always...<insert thing they always do but you shouldn't say that about here>" and "you makes me feel..<insert valid feeling that you have but they should not have to feel like they are responsible for here>". Or the hardest for me "if you don't <   > then I will...<insert random threat that touches their foundation of security and trust here>" But not all of the time, and the guilt that comes after a slip is horrendous.

The best I can say for myself is that I am on a very complex jobsite with a toolbox that I thought I had carefully curated, but really it is full of a bunch of rusted and useless tools at the bottom. Somehow when I am the most stressed and the most tired, those are the tools that come to the top of the box. and it is exhausting to stop and dig for the right one, once it has been buried. 

 What is working now is simplifying. Keep the family bubble small. Limit TV. Minimize alcohol. Cut out caffeine. Get outside, lots. Have a limited toy selection around. Routine is king.  All this is done in an effort to conserve energy and stay grounded both us adults and the kids.  Certainly working with Waldorf has helped immensely, and we take full advantage of their rhythms, natural media aversion, simple toys, lots of outside time, and community oriented school style. Sometimes though I look at the calm parents around me, and calm teachers and wonder where they get this never ending well of calm and patience? Can I even do that? I am by nature a pretty outgoing and impassioned person, so calm usually only comes around when I am sick! The goal though, is to try. Try because they are worth it. Because I am worth it. And I don’t want to be the mom that no one can please, or the mom that is always too busy or too frazzled to sit and read or build.  For me the motto has to be “do what is uncomfortable, because what feels comfortable is probably not quite right”.  In the meantime, I am honest with my kids. “ I was feeling angry, and feeling angry is ok, but yelling is not ok, and I am sorry…" and truly I AM sorry...

On the topic of anger and a poorly set up toolbox

Parenting is hard.

Parenting through tough behavioral situations while exhausted, stressed, broke, or going through challenges in our marriage or relationship, can be downright detrimental to our mental health, and to our children’s mental health and development. One big factor in that fight is our tool box, or more importantly, The contents of that box.

When we are tired, not firing on all cylinders, or dealing with existential or situational anxiety, our brains go primal. They reach way back to our earliest tools set, the thing that we heard, saw, or experienced the most as kids, and pull that tool out. For some people, that tool might be a great one! For others, that tool could be withdrawing from the situation, yelling, threatening, drinking, isolating our children, or hitting.  We do that not because we are bad people, but because that is what we experienced from our parents. and when we are unable to think clearly (exhausted. Stressed...etc.) we do what we saw; we imitate.  If Mom or Dad withdrew while the kids were chaotic, then we might too, e.g. “I’ll be reading the paper/computer” .  If Mom or dad screamed, or drank, or lashed out physically during their stress and exhaustion, then we might too. And if alcohol was the main "bad day at work" or “these kids are stressing me out” cure, then guess what? You got it. It will be ours too. 

The problem with checking out is the problem does not go away, and likely you are leaving the burden of handling the situation on your partner, and not showing them or your child that you are an active and loving member of the team. The problem with the drinking, is if you are already too tired or stressed or angry to fire on all cylinders, alcohol will only exacerbate that. The problem with screaming and or hitting is you will terrify your child, possibly reduce their empathy in play situations, damage their trust in you, it makes us feel bad, and yup you guessed it, directly influences how they handle exhaustion, anger, stress, and their own relationship with their child. Thus, the cycle continues.

Often these cycles goes un-noticed, as they feel comfortable or normal.  When we are already drowning we might not notice that flapping our arms and legs in one direction or the other, causes us to drown more. Why would we? we have already lost control of the situation, and our faculties. Leaving this behavior unchecked robs us of the opportunity to grow and evolve (which is kind of our job on the planet) and takes away any chance we have of breaking the cycle and having a nourishing and respectful relationship with our children.

I am going to post some links to a couple of article in a moment. What I like about these articles is how they talk about the importance respecting our kids enough to not push blame on them, if we have an inappropriate action or response to their behavior but rather to “admit” that our behavior was not okay, while not apologizing for the emotion behind it. It is important for kids to know that it is okay to be angry, sad…etc., what matters is that we are respectful of others in the process. And it shows the ever important act of swallowing your pride and admitting you messed up. Because when we love each other, we love each other enough to try and do better the next time.

Good luck to all us parents and caregivers, it’s a jungle out there!

http://www.kindredmedia.org/2016/04/how-to-stop-disrespecting-your-children/

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/calm-parenting-anger-management-in-children-and-teens/

 

The TV Broke!

The TV broke, and the power truck has not come to fix it.  That's our story and we are sticking to it.

One week ago today, after speaking with our 3 year old's teacher, it seemed like maybe watching TV was not really benefiting the kiddos, and was possibly having some unintended consequences such as hyperactivity (not just normal toddler crazies), and a tendency to just act out the TV shows rather than create his own imaginative play.  So, last Tuesday, the TV broke, and we are not sure if the power company will be coming out to fix it. 

Our 3 year old attends a Waldorf School with an intense outdoor component, so when they say hyper, this is not trapped in a classroom crazies, it is more likey overstimulation, as he was watching TV right before school while we dressed.

We thought it would be a big struggle, a constant "I want to watch____" tantrum, but in fact, it has not been.  While he has asked a couple of times, there has really been no backlash.  Now, instead of crazy boys with the TV flashing and chattering away in the background, we have crazy boys with a silent background. Which means that in between the crazies, for those blissful moments when a puzzle or truck or book can hold their attention, we have quiet. Peace and quiet. Amazing for us, and I bet amazing for them.  Already we have changed out toys as we noticed they were staying engaged longer with their toys, so I have gone on the search for puzzles, and coloring activities.

We considered maybe phasing it back in, or setting strict 20 minute limits, but we both know what will happen.  It always turns into a demand for a specific show, with no flexibility. And then, the bargaining for "one more". Ugh... so why would we bother? If it aint broke, don't fix it.

Eric and I are still watching TV after they go to bed, which is nice, but I am instantly seeing that it winds me up, possibly making it hard to sleep. However, I will not stop watching until I bring closure to Once Upon a Time, Game of Thrones, and Vikings. Then, maybe we can talk!

The lessons we can learn from a three year old

The past few months have been a whirlwind of holidays, growth spurts, a tragic death of someone I loved, someone else that I care about experienced a tragic death in their life, untimely losses of community members, debt, debt, and more debt.
In all of this my husband and I found ourselves fighting to find each other again, amidst the demands of our children, our jobs, grief, and the paralyzing fear that grips you when financial insecurity threatens your core life systems.

Looking back, I can see how we should have or maybe could have sought each other out in the eye of the storms, grabbed our kids, and hung on for dear life. Instead, it became a competition of who needs more rest, who needs more breaks whose turn it is to do chores, or be the primary parent on duty...etc, each of us feeling under valued and invalidated until it spiraled into a disaster of anger and petulance, and indignance, which finally was noted to us, and to others, by our 3 year old son.

Whoa.  kids are smart, and sensitive.  And it hurt like a knife through the heart to realize how much we had not hidden from them during this time.  So, we are using it as a teaching experience for us, and for them.  We will use it to show that everyone gets angry or upset, and we have to try hard every time to be kind to ourselves, and to each other when we are having a hard day.

This morning I was livid that our 3 year old refused to get dressed throwing a full on tantrum, and running the entire household late, and drivng us all insane.

I sat in silence in the front seat of my car, after informing him of what the future consequences of that behavior would be (TV goes off, no morning fruit pouch store stops if we end up running late....)
As I sat there trying to center, waiting in traffic, my 3 year old said "mommy, you need to take a deep breath, and count to four, you're still angry".

True statement.  Let the breathing begin.

Be Thankful, Be Smart, Be Strong, Be Family First

So here we all are, having survived Thanksgiving hopefully mostly intact, and we are headed straight into the upcoming holidays, for some, it will be Hanukkah, or Kwanza, Bodi Day, or Winter Solstice for us it is Christmas.

 Through the decades, many celebratory traditions have emerged including the mystifying tradition of bringing toddlers into museum like or trinket shop like homes and running around behind them frantically saying no, no, no,(!) While apologizing the whole time. Sounds super fun!

 

I was asked yesterday if we were going to put up a Christmas tree this year.  I am still somewhat undecided, but I lean towards no, because we do have a 14 month old.  I likened it to someone putting a delicious, cool IPA on the table next to me, and then slapping my hand every time I try to take a sip. Not cool man...

While some folks may make themselves feel righteous by stating "well they have to learn" or “they have to exercise control”,  that really does not take the parents into consideration at all.  I mean, they packed up their whole family, and dragged them and their five pounds of gear to your house, so that they can spend the entire visit in a frenzy, spending no actual time with anyone, feeling frustrated and inadequate, and that's before we get to the dreaded sit down meal. At that point we are just sneaking wine in the corner or in the bathroom, shoving some amount of food in our mouths, and loudly whispering “this isn't working, when can we go” to our spouse ? Tones quickly get more frantic and more frustrated with the toddlers, because of course if they could just do it right, we would not be in this disaster.

 

Well, guess what? They can't, so you have to change the game.  Read any Neuroscience studies on this topic, and they will tell you about the VERY strong primal sections of the brain that are in full force long before the frontal lobes decide to catch up. Infants and toddlers react in fight or flight, they live in the moment in instant gratification, and they don't care if you are being embarrassed in front of Great Aunt Selma because "in her day children were seen and not heard, had jobs by age ten, slept by themselves and ate sandwiches on day one…something something..something..blah..”.

 

What kids do care about, is feeling like they made you sad, or feeling sad themselves. It is our job to protect them from that kind of hyped up bullshit, and traditions that stifle and shame young families causing resentment, hurt feelings, or for some, they just shut down through the holiday because they cannot deal, or don’t want to. 

Join me this year in not starting those kinds of traditions. Set boundaries and expectations early with those who invite you over, and if they cannot take steps to ensure a nice visit, then kindly decline and invite them to your home instead.  We teach people how to treat us, and how to set expectations with us, so don’t play into that stuff this year!

Be happy, be free, be relieved. Remember, it is your holiday too, not just Aunt Selma's.  Eat simply, smile often and come January, it will not matter how pretty your home was, how much you cooked, or how calmly the kids tried to sit.  What will matter is love, laughter, and not creating trauma for them or for you, when the holidays come back around. Break the cycle, create new. There is far too much of “everything” going on in the world right now, to be stressing about silly things like toddler behavior.

Fear creeps in

with spindly fingers and soulless eyes

grasping at us when we are most vulnerable

Taking common stresses

and twisting them into doomsday predictions

The antithesis of fear is love

love lives in the light

carrying us over rocky peaks on strong shoulders with warm hands

and a glimmer in its eye

fear cannot live in the light

it hides in the shadows like a withered soul from Ursula's garden

fear cannot carry you over rocky peaks

it can only pull you downward when you stumble unexpectedly

do not fall victim to fear

simply step over its shrunken head on your way to the light

crushing it deftly under your boot

as you plod intentionally up the mountain

choosing light

choosing love

choosing you