Parenting through tough behavioral situations while exhausted, stressed, broke, or going through challenges in our marriage or relationship, can be downright detrimental to our mental health, and to our children’s mental health and development. One big factor in that fight is our tool box, or more importantly, The contents of that box.
When we are tired, not firing on all cylinders, or dealing
with existential or situational anxiety, our brains go primal. They reach way
back to our earliest tools set, the thing that we heard, saw, or experienced
the most as kids, and pull that tool out. For some people, that tool might be a
great one! For others, that tool could be withdrawing from the situation,
yelling, threatening, drinking, isolating our children, or hitting. We do
that not because we are bad people, but because that is what we experienced
from our parents. and when we are unable to think clearly (exhausted.
Stressed...etc.) we do what we saw; we imitate. If Mom or Dad withdrew
while the kids were chaotic, then we might too, e.g. “I’ll be reading the
paper/computer” . If Mom or dad screamed, or drank, or lashed out physically
during their stress and exhaustion, then we might too. And if alcohol was the
main "bad day at work" or “these kids are stressing me out” cure,
then guess what? You got it. It will be ours too.
The problem with checking out is the problem does not go
away, and likely you are leaving the burden of handling the situation on your
partner, and not showing them or your child that you are an active and loving
member of the team. The problem with the drinking, is if you are already too tired
or stressed or angry to fire on all cylinders, alcohol will only exacerbate
that. The problem with screaming and or hitting is you will terrify your child,
possibly reduce their empathy in play situations, damage their trust in you, it
makes us feel bad, and yup you guessed it, directly influences how they handle
exhaustion, anger, stress, and their own relationship with their child. Thus,
the cycle continues.
Often these cycles goes un-noticed, as they feel comfortable
or normal. When we are already drowning we might not notice that flapping
our arms and legs in one direction or the other, causes us to drown more. Why
would we? we have already lost control of the situation, and our faculties.
Leaving this behavior unchecked robs us of the opportunity to grow and evolve
(which is kind of our job on the planet) and takes away any chance we have of
breaking the cycle and having a nourishing and respectful relationship with our
children.
I am going to post some links to a couple of article in a moment. What I
like about these articles is how they talk about the importance respecting our
kids enough to not push blame on them, if we have an inappropriate action or
response to their behavior but rather to “admit” that our behavior was not
okay, while not apologizing for the emotion behind it. It is important for kids
to know that it is okay to be angry, sad…etc., what matters is that we are
respectful of others in the process. And it shows the ever important act of
swallowing your pride and admitting you messed up. Because when we love each
other, we love each other enough to try and do better the next time.
Good luck to all us parents and caregivers, it’s a jungle
out there!
http://www.kindredmedia.org/2016/04/how-to-stop-disrespecting-your-children/
Very well written with good, healthy, and applicable observations. I think that this can be a help to so many people if they read it.
ReplyDeleteThere's some great insight here, Brandie. Having the self awareness to understand how deeply rooted our own behaviors can be is a rare thing. I'm so glad that you have tat and are sharing your deep thoughts with others. Parenting is the most important job in the world.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Tim